The Things I Hide

A few weeks ago I signed up to participate in the Weblogit event on Daydreamz run by the fantabulous Cole. This week the theme is “The Things I Hide” and today is my day. 🙂 Happy Half Birthday to me/Happy Friday the 13th!

There were a few different directions I could go with this. After reading a few of the other submissions, there were a ton of possibilities. I guess you could said I hide my physical flaws, but I don’t do it in a way that I actually think about, so that doesn’t make for much of an interesting read. I hide the specifics on my life online, but then if you actually talk to me (Dez, Cole) I don’t hide much there either. There were two things that really stood out that I hide. One I work to not hide, the other I hide from myself as well.

If you don’t know me very well, the best explanation of “me” is that I am an Aquarius. I can and will talk to you all day long as long as you don’t get emotions involved. I don’t talk about emotions. I hide them. I feel them, but I prefer to keep the messy stuff hidden. I can’t get the “crying = weakness” out of my mind. This has been a huge problem in relationships. Particularly because the guys I date tend to be a bit more on the emotive side. Usually it leads them to believe that I just don’t care, when really I do. I just don’t know how to show how I feel.

The other thing I tend to hide is that when I was 13 I was molested by my best friend’s brother. I don’t really think about it, I pretty much ignore it, but sometimes it just can’t be ignored. It only happened once, but it only takes once to scar and I was a very naive girl. I like to think that I handle it pretty well for the most part, if not handling it is a way of handling it. I never told anyone (Zach was the first to know, a year after it happened and I told him because I was afraid of us getting physical). I regret now that I didn’t speak up and have him put in jail, but at the time I felt like it was more trouble than it was worth. My word against his, and my friend was in bed with me so I could just see it getting brushed off since there was no way she would believe it. I still don’t talk about it much. A few years ago when Jay and I were first engaged, we were having sex and he pinned me down. Something in my head just snapped and I panicked. He didn’t listen to me so I took my heel to his kidney. I hide this from most people I know. If I’m in a relationship and I see it getting serious I let them know. Only a handful of people are aware of what happened though.

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4 responses to this post.

  1. I can understand why you’d hide that. Not that you should feel any shame – because you sooooo should NOT – but it’s a terribly emotional thing. And if talking about emotion isn’t your style, that makes it even worse to talk about it. As long as you’re satisfied with your coping strategy, and are aware that you can change your mind ANY time, keep doing what works!

    Reply

  2. I think there are a lot of us who hide our emotions because we were always told or pressed to “suck it up”.

    Thank you for opening up to us/the world about being molested and the sexual assault. I’m happy to see that you had the fight response, it’s not something that most people get. ❤ You are a strong and awesome woman.

    Reply

  3. Posted by Kasie on August 14, 2010 at 11:53 am

    I’m sorry that happened. At that age you would probably be upset and think that people would be more upset with you if you told. I’m glad you are able to talk about it now.

    Reply

  4. I am an Aquarius so I definitely relate, but I guess my outlook changed when my inability to show emotion and talk to others led to my attempted suicide.

    I still have a hard time showing emotion/talking about how I feel, but I have made a HUGE effort in the past 6 years to get past the initial “it’s weakness” thought.

    As such ALL of my relationships both with my husband and friends have improved. It’s not easy I can tell you that, but if you need someone to talk to regarding that particular issue, let me know.

    As far as being molested, you’re brave even now for coming out with it. It’s not easy to talk about I’m sure and it’s definitely not a memory anyone would want to relive, so thank you for being strong enough to open up and let others know.

    Reply

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